Worse Than Fiction: Primary Poetry

ATTACK AD
My opponent is a stellar guy
He makes some stellar promises
Alas they are all lies
He is great to have a beer with
Alack, alas he drinks and drives
His campaign staff is brilliant
Woe is me, they’re Russian spies

So by all means vote for him this fall
If you heart terrorism and hate freedom
Which a vote for him implies
Brought to you by yours truly
In a Super PAC disguise

ON THE TRAIL
Iowa, I love only you!
Oh, this is New Hampshire?
Hello, New Hampshire, I love you too!

THE MEDIAN VOTER
The educated are lamenting how
Average voting Americans now
Are brainwashed by what’s on cable

Whereas back then in days of yore
They were all far better informed
Of the platforms on the table

But I ask you, if that were true
Then why did the Founding Fathers
Create the Electoral College?

ECONOMIC POLICY
Jobs, jobs, I will bring you jobs
Without taxes or cuts in spending
Jobs, jobs, jobs for all
While choking off Federal lending
All you have to do is move to China

FOREIGN POLICY
America is number one
Everywhere else is number two
I can’t remember number three
That’s what teleprompters are for

THE LONG HAUL
I called this press conference today
To announce I’m taking time away
The Lord told me that I should shelve
My campaign here in 2012
And what by saying that I mean
Is I’m focusing now on 2016

ENDORSEMENT
Yesterday I despised you
Because I wanted to be the nominee
Today I declare you have my vote
I’ll settle for political appointee

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