WASHINGTON — In a surprising 5-4 vote the Supreme Court ruled to uphold the result of the 2012 NBA Finals, in which the Miami Heat defeated the Oklahoma City Thunder four games to one.
The three justices from New York, whose Knicks got spanked by the Heat in the first round, wrote a dissenting opinion citing Bulls v. Heat (2011) as solid precedent for the applicability of the “don’t let LeBron win” mandate. They were joined by the Chief Justice, who came off the bench late in the case to keep the outcome close despite being a bit rusty following a two-case recusal with no docket in pay.
Republicans and Democrats alike had lobbied ferociously ahead of the decision—a full court press with no public appeal. Both wanted it overturned. Court observers reported that the SCOTUS ostensibly determined that the championship was constitutional under the taxation clause or some other bullshit.
What really happened was that the nine justices and an Amicus Curiae went up to the gym on the fifth floor and duked it out five-on-five in “the highest court in the land.” Team Uphold won with a conservative defense that kept them out of tort trouble.
Writing for the majority, the Honorable Mr. Justice known for his reticence turned in a blank sheet of paper. He went on to say, “ .”
Fearing citation by the commissioner, the owner of the Thunder was reluctant to comment. All he could say was, “Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! Vey!”