COLUMBUS—The Dow went wild today after the Federal Reserve announced that it would soon start buying office supplies.
Betsy Hernandez, an administrative assistant at the Federal Reserve Bank of Cleveland, told the economists she supports that she’s going to place an order for new office supplies on Monday.
In an unprecedented move, she then asked them if they had any special requests. Economist Ken Bradley suggested paper clips. He explained, “I hate those little holes that staples make.”
A press release issued by the Fed stated, “Information received since Betsy checked the supply cabinet in October suggests that note taking activity has continued to expand at a moderate pace in recent months.”
It went on to explain how, in determining the size, pace, and composition of her office supply purchases, Betsy will, as always, take appropriate account of the likely efficacy and costs of such purchases.
“In other words,” said Mr. Bradley, “she’s still a cheapskate.”
The markets dipped shortly after the announcement but then went up again later, most likely because they follow a random walk.
International news outlets were abuzz with speculation as to whether the Fed would also continue its policy of buying recycled computer paper. In the past, the Wall Street Journal has criticized the Fed for not being transparent about what percentage of its paper is post-consumer waste.
Some investors were disappointed that Betsy didn’t go further by extending purchases of the good chairs to staff below the manager level. One investor who asked to remain anonymous so he could blend in better with the herd commented, “I hear the Aeron Chair by Herman Miller is both elegant and ergonomic.”
Voting against the action was Ted, who felt the supplies they already had were perfectly fine.