Fiction Furloughed: My Congressman

green-eggs-and-hamNote: Due to sequestration, our regular fiction writer has been fur­loughed. Please enjoy this guest contribution from Dr. Ted Seiss, a political scientist at the think tank Margin of Error.

I am Uncle Sam.
Uncle Sam I am.

That Uncle Sam!
That Uncle Sam!
I do not like that Uncle Sam.

Do you like your Congressman?
I do not like him, Uncle Sam.
I do not like my Congressman.

Would you like him two more years?
I would not like him two more years.
He forced our debt into arrears!

I do not like my Congressman.
I do not like him, Uncle Sam.

Would you like him in the House?
Would you like that no-good louse?

I do not like him in the House.
I do not like that no-good louse.
I do not like him two more years.
He forced our debt into arrears!

I do not like my Congressman.
I do not like him, Uncle Sam.

Would you let him authorize addi­tional spending in Iraq?
Would you let him obstruct a strate­gic arms limitation talk?

Not more Iraqs.
Not more talks.
Not in the House.
That no-good louse.

I would not vote him two more years.
I want our debt out of arrears!

I would not vote my Congressman.

I do not like him, Uncle Sam.

Would you, could you, if his record weren’t subpar?
Vote him! Vote him! He’s a former film star.

I would not, could not, if his record weren’t subpar.
He’s twice now failed the California bar.

You may vote him. You will see.
At least he’s not the Tea Party.

I would not support the Tea Party!
Even if his record weren’t subpar.
You’re confusing me!

I do not like his position on Iraq.
I do not like that he’s all talk.
I do not like him in the House.
I do not like that no-good louse.
I do not like him two more years.
I do not like being in arrears.

I do not like my Congressman.
I do not like him, Uncle Sam.

You do not like him so you say.
Wait until the November elections and you may.
Wait for election day I say.

Congressman, I am so sick of you.
Let me vote and then you’re through.

On the first Tuesday in November suddenly I remember.

Say, I like my Congressman!
I do! I like him, Uncle Sam!

And I would reelect him though he doesn’t vote.
And I would reelect him despite
that racist pamphlet he wrote.
And I would reelect him with his
A+ rating from the NRA.
Even if he thinks you don’t deserve equal rights for being gay.
Even if big oil bribes are what made him rich.
Even if he called Rosa Parks a bitch.
Even if he wants an Iran war.
You see, it’s those other bozos I abhor.

So I will vote him two more years.
See, my Congressman is not the problem.
It’s all his good for nothing peers.

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