WASHINGTON—Federal investigators have traced the source of a major leak directly to the President’s cabinet. The highly damaging leak originated in the cabinet beneath the White House kitchen sink.
Preliminary evidence suggests a worn out washer may be to blame, though investigators are not yet ruling out more widespread corruption of the pipes.
Whatever the cause, the damage is clear. The wood is completely soaked through, there is discoloration in the grout, and there are unconfirmed reports that the executive chef got his socks wet.
Even worse, the plumber can’t come until Tuesday. Despite the delay, White House spokesperson Ray Barney said emphatically, “At this time the President is not considering paying under the table for a non-union guy who can be here in an hour, even if he does have three and a half stars on Yelp.”
In response to a follow-up question, Barney added, “I can, however, confirm that he will be invoking executive privilege to take over the kitchen at Blair House until the leak is plugged.”
Barney had no comment when asked about a rumor that the First Family ordered in last night. Fox News is reporting that the President is soft on takeout Chinese.
Former Assistant Attorney General Lisa Smelden expects that what will happen next is the White House will subpoena the repair receipts of the previous tenant.
“At least they can try,” she said. “Normally the White House is rented ‘as is’. My guess is the window for asking the former tenant to chip in closed when they returned his national security deposit.”