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STATISTICAL AUTHORITIES – Despite previous, erroneous so-called concern that GDP growth in China for 2014 was allegedly the lowest in the past 20 years, the economy actually achieved record growth at the exact level planned by the leadership under the careful direction of President Xi Jinping.
A thorough revisiting of the GDP calculations conducted by the relevant authorities found that the numbers failed to account for certain critical and essential indisputable facts on the ground, such as the value of the offshore wealth in China’s exclusive economic zone in the South and East China Seas, along with the robust economic performance of Chinese provinces Macau, SAR; Hong Kong, SAR; Taiwan, China; Korea, renegade province; Vietnam, renegade province; and Singapore, 75% Chinese.
Under the new numbers, the one Chinese economy grew at an astonishing maglev-level rate of 97% in 2014, a sharp, albeit peaceful rise in incomes for that developing nation which is still home to hundreds of millions of people living in poverty and thus should not be held to the same standards of not destroying the planet as the so-called developed nations like the United States, which continue to emit greenhouse gases at appalling rates fueled by their inflammable empty consumerist ideologies which pale in comparison to the 5,000 plus years of uninterrupted Chinese civilization.
Upon learning of the corrected figures, residents of all major Chinese industrial centers went outside, removed their unnecessary facemasks, and breathed a deep sigh of relief. They will undoubtedly be further relieved following next week’s anticipated announcement that cancer rates in villages and townships with local chemical plants have been grossly understated, and that those responsible have been swiftly and justly executed in accordance with the rule of law.