STILL NO BONUSES
I never wished I knew karate
Till my boss came to work
In his new Maserati
At the mention of back pain
I sit up straight
Although I am no slouch
Blame the computer chair
To which I’m slave
What for these spreadsheets
Once again my performance review glowed with praise
Too bad no one in government work gets a raise
White shirt, khaki pants,
Brown shoes, brown socks,
Brown wallet, brown belt,
Brown hair, brown eyes,
Gray carpet, blue chair:
Hurry, hurry and grow up, my son.
Study, study hard.
And if you’re lucky
You’ll spend your bright days
In a place just as sucky.
FROM ONE SHOW ON ALL NETWORKS
Pundits in the press a mess.
Pundits in the press a mess.
Left leaning press right leaning leaning leftright centrist press. Pundits
loud pundits in the centrist leftist rightist press a mess pundits in the press.
If they were not pundits what would they.
If they were not pundits in the press a mess what would they. He had
heard of a fact and he asked about it it was a nice try but a lie.
If a nice try but a lie as a lie will not die if the pundit in the
press a mess does a mess for success the pundit in the press a mess and the
nice try but a lie as a lie and decry and decry a mess in the
press a mess the pundit in the press the pundit in the press and a mess.
They might be talking heads they might be talking heads talking heads they might be.
Watch Fox News CNN CNN Fox News Fox News watch Fox News Fox News CNN CNN CNN CNN CNN watch CNN Fox News Fox News watch CNN. Watch Fox News CNN.
I think that I shall never see
A poem messy as Democracy.
A Democracy whose voters know best,
Where only some votes are repressed;
A Democracy under God all day,
Unless to the wrong one you pray;
A Democracy that may go to war
And only after ask what for;
Forged out of immigration whence,
At least until we build that fence.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But it takes a whole bunch of fools to make Democracy.
To serve the public
That’s the dream
Of each new
To hell with that
They say once they
Learn that they
Can’t be fired
Like a Penn Quarter condo
Down a tax bracket
Women put on their makeup
To collect the mail
Moved out to H St
Not far if you ride your bike
Except it so is
Capitol Hill house
Close if you work for Congress
Remote from all else
What of Arlington?
There’s so much more space out there
Goodbye DC friends
Shaw English basement
Affordable one bedroom
When Mom and Dad pay
Group house in Petworth
Cheap enough rent to replace
Your stolen laptop
Logan Circle loft
Live in trendy luxury
Next to the projects
The rent is reasonable
Split with five close friends
Bloomingdale row house
Robbed out front in broad daylight
Still up and coming
Chain stores go on the corners
Bars on the windows
STAFF NOTE: FROM DUET TO SOLO
The right chord was struck
And the note was true;
Busily, busily wrote we two.
(Excellent talking points we had).
On to the Director
With political clout,
He hated the note,
And my boss dropped out.
(Were the talking points that bad?)
When Lucy was little
She wanted to work
For the United States of A
But then she grew up to be a CEO
And that came with far better pay
A voter from Zouse asked his
rep in the House
for a town hall
where he could then grouse.
And he said, “Well, you louse, are
you man or a mouse?”
From his breath all could tell he
Then that voter, named Klaus,
charged again with a joust, hand in
hand with his fundraising spouse.
And she had on her blouse
some notation by Strauss,
which was shortly then doused
in sweat as she espoused
all her views for that Congressman
there from the House.
Said a voter to a hard working fed:
“I thought you a total slacker, my
“So I am, so I am,” said the go-getter
“But not ‘til my mid-year review
THE BRIEFING PAPER
so little depends
drafted by the summer
for a cancelled
CHANGE OF PACE
‘Twas in the locker room
Jeff met the DAS
A skimpy towel across his ass
“So how’s that briefing paper, son?”
“I’m on it, sir. It’s almost done.”
With that the DAS reached
For his lock
His towel slipped
Jeff saw his
Sock he’d been looking for
On the floor
Since then Jeff doesn’t
Bike to work no more
Summer in DC
Here come hoards of cicadas
Dressed up as interns
In August, muggy, humid, hot
If one thing a civil servant’s not
So though the temperature is high
You still won’t catch him
Without a tie
Or jacket, if he has a meeting
Buttoned up, or else it’s cheating.
And yet you’ll never see him sweat
He’s a bureaucrat –
They’re always dry.
DC WEEK, COMMUTED
On Monday I sweat on the S1
On Tuesday the blue and orange line
On Wednesday I fried
On my bicycle ride
On Thursday I swore I was done.
And I really was done because
On Friday it was my flex day.
NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT
The intern was a student young
Who came to DC seeking some
Experience for her resume.
Of that her biggest takeaway
That’s with her to this very day
Was an allergy to pollen.
MENTAL HEALTH DAY
Jack wants to leave
Early he’s got
Takes sick leave
ODE TO EXPENSE REPORTS
I love to travel for work
I love to book hotels
I love getting airline miles
But our online travel software’s hell
I hate to select my dates
I hate to scan receipts
I hate to enter accounting codes
But the per diem can’t be beat
I might get reimbursed
I just as might might not
It pretty much all depends
On what gift for the admin I have brought
ODE ON A POLICY DOC
Thou still unfinish’d pride of bureaucrats,
Thou byproduct of Dullness and no Thought,
Federal agency, which canst thus work at
A policy doc more boring than it ought:
What unpaid intern frets about thy text
With changes tracked and comments, accept all,
In margins with red marks for each font change?
What plans or strategies? What way to stall?
What true purpose? What worry of what’s next?
What mass revisions? What to rearrange?
O Policy doc! unreadable! with page
Of acronyms and abbreviations used,
With text outdated as the paper’s age;
Thou, department style! Dost drive us to drink booze
As doth comments from: Assistant Secretary!
When new laws shall the document make moot,
Thou shalt remain, within the agency
Past us, repeatable, part of the institute,
‘Policy is process, as is process policy
And like many a disease hereditary.’
ODE TO OFFICE VISITORS
Our counterparts arrive early,
Awaiting us at the visitors’ entrance
I go downstairs to greet them alone
Forgetting the escort limit is two.
The guard at the desk sounds surly,
Looking them up in the computer
I swear I registered them via phone
At last the officer lets them through.
It would have been more worth it, er
If they’d brought along an interpreter
Yesterday my job was funded
Yesterday ain’t here no more
Yesterday I got sequestered
So today I’m stuck at home
Watching my kids instead of
At work watching YouTube videos
There once was a man from the Hill
Who couldn’t pass a spending bill
Though he caused a contraction
By his stubborn inaction
The effect on his job was, oh, nil
“S” is for Sound fiscal spending
Treating the taxpayer like an investor
“E” is for…er, well…
We lost funding for the rester
So to hell with “equester”
HOUSE AND SENATE
Two chambers, both alike in infamy,
In fair Washington, where they like to preen
From party grudge find new ignominy,
Where civic pride makes civil men obscene.
From forth the fatal votes of these two foes
A fed’ral budget goes to meet its end;
While cuts to Medicare the Dems oppose
Republicans want on defense to spend.
The doubtful passage of a spending deal,
Continuing resolution running out,
Which, for the debt ceiling, nought could appeal,
Is now a test of presidential clout;
The which, alas, is hardly even there,
Thanks to the push to pass ObamaCare.
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of John Boehner’s dog and pony show
Senate, Senate, mostly white
Wealthy on the left and right
What donations of what size
Made it so goddamn hard
House House House
So brief yet
How How How
Did you steer US
To the cliff
And still get reelected?
CONTINUING LACK OF RESOLUTION
Two, four six, eight
Months and three years it’s been
Since Congress passed a budget.
Five four three to one
Are the odds you’ll get
That no amount of nagging
By Obama will nudge it.
THE PARTY NOT VOTED
Two parties diverged on the common good,
And sorry I could not vote out both
And be one voter, long I stood
And stalled at the ballot box as long as I could
Until I saw the independent bloke;
And I didn’t recognize his name,
Yet knew his party had no better claim,
Because it was extreme in point of view;
Though as for the major parties two
I was sick of them about the same;
We shall be in debt a mountain high
Sometime elections and elections hence:
Two parties diverged on what’s good and I—
I wrote in a vote for Mickey Mouse,
And it didn’t make any difference.
If you don’t call it Christmas
You can still have your tree
And your Rudolph
And Santa in entirety
Yes, at work you can do
Just what Jesus ordained
So long as you call it
A holiday party
If HR should deplore ya
Just tack on a menorah
CAVEAT PART 2
For colleagues neither goy nor Jew
Can’t the menorah stand in
For their holiday too?
They do have a holiday, do they not?
Why else would they go with
The faith that they got?
A ten-dollar present
In contents and in origin.
Contents revealed in good time.
Origin unknown, always
For the safety of the jerk
Who gifted sticky notes
From the supply cabinet.
‘Tis the season to get insured
For any reason, no matter
How awful you’re already sneezin’.
And in hell there is no way
You’re making a copay –
Your deductible’s zero percent.
For each nickel they waive
Is a penny you save
Is a taxpayer dollar well spent.