Apologies to our readers. In the meantime, try to enjoy reality’s own civil satire.
STATISTICAL AUTHORITIES – Despite previous, erroneous so-called concern that GDP growth in China for 2014 was allegedly the lowest in the past 20 years, the economy actually achieved record growth at the exact level planned by the leadership under the careful direction of President Xi Jinping.
A thorough revisiting of the GDP calculations conducted by the relevant authorities found that the numbers failed to account for certain critical and essential indisputable facts on the ground, such as the value of the offshore wealth in China’s exclusive economic zone in the South and East China Seas, along with the robust economic performance of Chinese provinces Macau, SAR; Hong Kong, SAR; Taiwan, China; Korea, renegade province; Vietnam, renegade province; and Singapore, 75% Chinese.
Under the new numbers, the one Chinese economy grew at an astonishing maglev-level rate of 97% in 2014, a sharp, albeit peaceful rise in incomes for that developing nation which is still home to hundreds of millions of people living in poverty and thus should not be held to the same standards of not destroying the planet as the so-called developed nations like the United States, which continue to emit greenhouse gases at appalling rates fueled by their inflammable empty consumerist ideologies which pale in comparison to the 5,000 plus years of uninterrupted Chinese civilization.
Upon learning of the corrected figures, residents of all major Chinese industrial centers went outside, removed their unnecessary facemasks, and breathed a deep sigh of relief. They will undoubtedly be further relieved following next week’s anticipated announcement that cancer rates in villages and townships with local chemical plants have been grossly understated, and that those responsible have been swiftly and justly executed in accordance with the rule of law.
WASHINGTON — For the 225th year in a row, the District of Columbia was not a part of the State of the Union address. The omission left residents speechless.
THE INTERNET — A viral video infected millions of viewers with conjunctivitis, or pink eye, in under an hour today. Office workers who watched it were sent home with notes for their parents pinned to their pea coats.
So…it’s been awhile. Understatement? Understatement. Chalk it up to the Bureaucrat being put on the back burner. To make it up to you, here is part 1 in what could become a series of stories about a completely made up bureaucrat living the DC young professional life.
If there’s interest, parts 2 through 20 will be forthcoming. If not, we can always blame it on some other agency.
Off the Back Burner, part 1
“America,” yells the man with the bullhorn, “you are the greatest nation in the history of the universe. But for how long, America?”
The Secret Service officers posted on Pennsylvania Avenue pay him no heed. In theory this nut stands less than a thousand yards from the President. In reality he is further from the Oval Office than a third party candidate who never goes to church.
“Wake up, America. You are asleep, America,” he proclaims, pacing frenetically in front of Lafayette Square.
The leader of a group of Chinese tourists cuts a wide swath around the man so her flock might better hear the informative shouting she is doing over her own amplified device. Follow her they do, because they have only been allotted ten minutes for their requisite photo opportunity in front of the White House, but not before taking a few snapshots of the crazy American to show their friends back home.
Competing for their attention is another man, this one clad in an American flag track suit. On the ground beside him is a portable amplifier connected to a microphone. “God is watching down on you,” he croons karaoke style. “Jesus is your light. Let him shine, let him shine, into your heart.”
As he sings he rides a wooden stick on which is mounted a cloth horse’s head. He gallops a few feet over – just as far as the tether of the electric cable will allow – to pose for a picture. Mid-chorus he holds the microphone out to the woman giving the peace sign in front of him while her husband frames the shot. She freezes, and for a few measures it’s nothing but background music and a mop horse caught mid-stride.
“Hello?” she finally whispers into the mic, then scurries back to the safety of the group.
“Hallelujah! Praise the lord!” says the man in the track suit. He rides back to his amplifier and launches into the next verse. Continue reading
The president, or President as he preferred, with a capital ‘P’ to emphasize the importance of his position, agreed immediately to a bet with the visiting Prime Minister, or prime minister, lower case ‘P’ ‘M’, as was only befitting one not the holding the position of elected leader of the free world.
“Of course we’ll win,” said the President, “though I hate to take your money, as our country already has so much more of it than yours.”
“You do know my country is ranked higher than yours, yes?” said the prime minister. “We’re also ahead of you in the group standings by three points.”
“I don’t think so,” said the President. “I’m pretty sure we’re number one.”
“We are speaking of tonight’s football match, yes?”
“Football? Then you know we’re the best. It’s not football season already though, is it? Markus, is it football season yet?” The President called out to his aide standing in the corner taking notes.
“Not real football, no sir,” said Markus.
“Pardon me, I forgot, what is it you call football here? Handtouch?” the prime minister looked to Markus for an answer.
“Don’t talk to him,” said the President. “You’re in a meeting with me. Let’s deal with this one-on-one, head of state to head of state. The people didn’t elect Markus to represent them now, did they Markus?”
Markus said nothing.
“There, see. That’s good. Good job, Markus. Now where were we?”
“The handtouch match tonight, yes? What shall be our wager?”
“Well, you can bet anything you like, Mr. prime minister. It doesn’t matter, because we’re going to win.”
“In that case I would like the territory of Guam. It will make for such a lovely holiday destination once my country has developed to the point where we can afford such luxuries.”
“Guam, you say? Markus, do we have a Guam tucked away somewhere? Is that the one with all the Spanish speakers who don’t pay any income tax?”
Markus said nothing.
“No, it’s okay Markus. When I address you directly, as your Commander in Chief, you may respond.”
“Half what, Markus?”
“Guam does not pay any income tax.”
“Ah, heck, then good riddance to them. You’ve got yourself a deal, Mr. prime minister.”
“And what of our end of the agreement?”
“There’s nothing you have that we haven’t already given you, through foreign aid and various other channels and whatnot, am I right?”
The prime minister said nothing.
“Ah, I’m just pulling your leg. You folks there must have something, don’t you? Oil? Diamonds? I thought all poor countries were sitting on top a gold mine of some sorts. No pun intended.”
The prime minister said nothing.
“Tell you what, if I win, you have to stand up on the table at tomorrow night’s state dinner and cluck like a chicken. Have you ever clucked like a chicken, Mr. prime minister? I bet that would be pretty funny to watch.”
Without a word, the prime minister shook the President’s hand to affirm the agreement and withdrew for his intern-guided tour of the non-sensitive areas of the White House.
The next evening the prime minister did in fact stand on the table and cluck like a chicken, only it was to gloat over his country’s 4-1 trouncing annexation of a certain island, which the President signed over petulantly between the entree and the dessert. It was humble pie.
On June 4, a record number of Chinese law enforcement officials descended on Tiananmen Square for the 25th annual Beijing Policemen’s Ball. The party was so hot they had to keep fire extinguishers at every point of entry.
Street were closed for blocks in either direction to clear space for the break dance competition. Dozens of police vans and ambulances stood at the ready to handle the expected crush of party crashers at what was undoubtedly China’s most exclusive event.
In a club-like atmosphere, attendees shook their automatic rifles like they meant it, getting down to hits from their student days, including “Smack That (Protestor)” and “Hit Me Baby One More Time”.
The amazing spectacle left the Chinese media speechless. Didn’t say one reporter for the English language China Daily, “What event at Tiananmen Square?”
Foreign correspondents, more accustomed to covering actual news, had plenty to say, but were too busy learning the “pop and lock” dance move from security forces to file their stories.
It was a black hoodie optional occassion, with many choosing to simply go plainclothes so as not to attract attention. Explained one attendee, who must remain anonymous because he threatened to revoke a reporter’s press badge when asked for his name, “We try to keep it hush hush so the common people don’t get mad about the Party.”
Ma Huangdou, who was there to witness the inaugural event in 1989, chose instead to spend a quiet evening in his detention cell. When asked to describe what it was like back in the day, he was overcome with emotion and could only say, “Bloody hell.” After that he got too choked up by the guards to continue and had to be whisked away to rest.
After a detailed internal investigation, we can confirm that hackers breached the Washington Bureaucrat’s electronic systems. Fortunately, they were not able to steal any subscriber information, because the Bureaucrat doesn’t have any subscribers. Just in case though you should go online and change all of your passwords. Who are we kidding–you probably have just the one password.
The hackers used the Bureaucrat to promote a little so-called satire of their own, which we will be releasing to the public in order to further our investigation. It’s still not clear who is responsible, but hopefully the following message they left will offer some additional clues.
“Dear Washington Bureaucrat: the U.S. is always criticizing China, also speaking as if seeking friendship yet acting in a manner that betrays its true belligerent intentions. It is high time the tables were turned and the doctor tasted a dose of his own medicine. We believe it is only fitting to call these revealing images of actual US thinking ‘Auntie Sam’. Thank you.”