Hey, you. America. Remember when I said that stuff about how political parties would screw up the system? And how I warned you not to get entangled in international mumbo jumbo? Well I said it. And you bitches didn’t listen to me. Now look at you. Political gridlock. Al Qaeda. NATO. Are you kidding me? NATO??

I held my tongue on the Marshall Plan, but things have gotten way out of hand. You spend more on one jet fighter for the Iraqi army than you spend on U.S. highways in a year. More or less. I haven’t done the math. Hamilton handles that.

Remember this little gem? “As a very important source of strength and security, cherish public credit. One method of preserving it is to use it as sparingly as possible.”

And this guy: “Avoid likewise the accumulation of debt…not ungenerously throwing upon posterity the burden which we ourselves ought to bear.” You double blew that one, America. Be grateful the internet will turn your grandchildren into limbless blobs or they would slap the bejeezus out of you.

Anyways, what happened to the era when America got it done? In my day, when the corn lobby complained, I marched the whole freaking army over there to tell them what was up. Have you seen the size of your special interests lately? Sometimes I wonder just who the hell Jimmy Mad wrote the Federalist Papers for. This is why we can’t give you nice things.

In retrospect, I should have scrapped the constitution and installed myself as dictator back in ‘92. Then we might have a sexy economy like the Chinese instead of this debt dumpster of unemployment.