WASHINGTON — The U.S. economy is all better. According to legislation passed this week by both the House and the Senate, all underwater mortgages have dried up like the evidence for evolution, unemployment is as fictive as global warming, and the nation is now growing at whatever rate China is plus five.
“We got sick of being blamed for inaction,” said the sponsor of the bill, Representative Nina Heyworth (The Surprise Party, BO), “so we went and passed a law declaring the economy fixed. Saying otherwise is now unconstitutional. I’m looking at you, Fed. One more word and we will end you!”
As is the case with most legislation, the All Better Act contains several billion dollars of pork, not to mention a little kosher beef for the Jewish members of Congress. The bill appropriates $170 million to build bridges for the Congressmen who did not brush their teeth as children, and $500 million to fund research on how high fructose corn syrup might be classified as a fruit given the right artificial flavoring.
The bill would go next to the President to be signed into law, if only someone on the Hill could remember what the procedure is. Said Senator Gerry Nicholson (Official Monster Raving Loony Party, DC), “Come on, guys, didn’t we pass that whatchamacallit about that thingamabob back in ’07 or ’08? You know, the Something Something Act? Can someone have a staffer google it?”
In the meantime, Americans are encouraged to “live it up” and to change their calendars back to 1926—partly because times were good back then, but mostly so Congress can legally share these great tips it has for how to get rich off of insider trading.