Hey, it’s not called Perfect Competition.

BALTIC AVE—The Department of Justice has filed an antitrust suit against the racecar to prevent it from purchasing Park Place from the guy on the horse in exchange for $500 and two free visits. In the court filing (U.S. v. Parker Brothers), DOJ attorneys argued that since the racecar already owns Boardwalk its acquisition of Park Place would constitute a monopoly.

Attorney General Rich “Uncle” Pennybags said, “We calculated that if the merger were to go through, the rent on both Park Place and Boardwalk would immediately double. And that’s without any houses.”

Despite the racecar’s offer to return its holdings in the purples to the bank to allay concerns that it was attempting to corner the market, the DOJ was still unwilling to take a chance on the deal, calling the divestiture merely a “token gesture.”

The merger is the first monopoly case to be tried since the DOJ rolled the dice and allowed the cannon, operator of Water Works, to also purchase the Electric Company. The agency was later excoriated in the media when it became evident that consumer utilities bills had risen from four to ten times the amount shown.

A proposed out of court settlement in the Park Place case would have the racecar pay $25 for each house and $100 for each hotel and go back three spaces.

The racecar assured shareholders that it was still close enough to GO to land there in time to hit its quarterly revenue target without having to mortgage any properties.