Iran Tests Nuclear Device on Burrito

Iran used the CIA drone it doesn’t have to capture this test nuking of The Bomb.

Iran used the CIA drone it doesn’t have to capture this test nuking of The Bomb.

TEHRAN—Circumventing sanctions blocking the export of products for mass consumption, Iran used the popular online shopping site Amazon. com to purchase a Panasonic Prestige NN-SD688S, a thermal device more commonly known as a microwave oven.

The state-run Islamic Republic News Agency reported that several members of the Revolutionary Guard then tested the device on The Bomb, a burrito from 7-Eleven, at 3 a.m. Saturday evening, “nuking the hell out of it” in under a minute and achieving “partial fusion” between the tortilla and the plastic wrapping.

The Department of Defense could not confirm whether Iran had tested the microwave on a full 14-ounce 940-calorie burrito or just a Totino’s pizza role. One senior U.S. official worried that they might soon be ready to deploy “Inverter Technology for even cooking and delivering delicious flavor” and “Inverter Turbo Defrost for quick defrosting.”

“We’re talking 1300 watts of high power and 1.2 cubic feet of cooking space,” said Ernie of ABC Appliances, who was clearly looking to score a commission out of the interview.

To get around the ban on selling reheating accessories to Iran, the rogue nation took advantage of a pricing error to snag the microwave, which normally retails for $140, for just $40. It then signed up for the Rewards Visa Card and got $40 off instantly.

Because the total in Iran’s shopping cart was over $25, it qualified for free super saver shipping, thereby completing the transaction without any actual exchange of funds and escaping the attention of OFAC.

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