Rejects President’s Application to Run for Reelection

WASHINGTON—PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE. IT WAS GENERATED AUTOMATICALLY., the Federal Government’s official one-stop source for keeping qualified candidates out of government jobs, sent the president a form email Friday notifying him that his application for Vacancy ID: 38215 Position: U.S. President had been declined.

Despite being the unanimous choice to represent the Democratic Party in November, Obama could not get past the initial computer screen.

Mark Forrest-McGee, a recruiter from the Office of Personnel Management, explained, “Candidates are pre-screened to ensure that they have a combination of skills and experience commensurate with the job requirements and pay grade. Do four years in the White House and a letter of recommendation from the President of the United States qualify you to run for president? Don’t ask me. It’s up to the computer.”

To humans, Obama meets the requirements for the position. He is at least 35 years old, has lived in the United States for at least 14 years, and is a natural-born citizen.

There was initial speculation that his application had been rejected because he only attached the short form of his birth certificate, but it turned out not to matter since the website automatically deletes all uploaded documents regardless.

Democrats later learned that what actually happened was the computer chose another candidate with four years of direct experience in the White House who was given vets’ preference: Bo, the president’s dog.

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