Budget Balanced by Renting Out Alaska

Yours for just $111 billion/month. Connection to rest of U.S. not included.

Yours for just $111 billion/month. Connection to rest of U.S. not included.

JUNEAU—For Rent: state in NW, spacious 663,268 sq mi, Mount McKinley on property, 722,718br/2ba, price $1.33 trillion for 2012 with $901 billion option for 2013.

On Monday the White House unveiled its plan for balancing the budget without raising taxes or cutting spending beyond token gestures that Congress can quietly undo later. It will rent out Alaska to anyone with a trillion dollars to spend on housing, which pretty much leaves China and Foreign Service officers on per diem.

If the Chinese take on the lease, Alaska will still be part of the United States, it just might have to learn Mandarin—or, since it will still be American, start speaking English loudly and slowly while not conjugating any verbs.

The proposed budget is a win-win for both parties. Republicans get to keep spending too much money on guns, while Democrats get to keep spending too much on Medicare for the people who get shot.

“I thought we already were renting out the place,” said Senator Horace Thomas (R, AK). “Isn’t that why I get those checks in the mail every year? Then who is that guy living in my garage?”

A spokesman for the White House did note one caveat, “The only potential stumbling block is that the plan has to be approved by Congress. Well, shit. Nevermind. Unless…does anybody know a good lobbyist?”

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