Fiction II: The Aisle Reaches Back

tailsOn Monday Maxwell awoke to find he had become a Democrat. He noticed the difference immediately, as he was now a Hispanic woman. The first thing he did was rush to the safe and check his birth certificate. At least he was still American in citizenship if not in values. Just barely, though, for his gun cabinet had been replaced with a bidet.

When he went to brush his teeth Maxwell was horrified to discover that his medicine cabinet was lined wall to wall with contraceptives, except for the top shelf, which was filled with marijuana. Even worse, his toothpaste, when he finally managed to dig it out from behind the jug of Echinacea, turned out to be not the tried and true Colgate but a 100% natural herbal dental remedy from Whole Foods.

Maxwell sat down to a breakfast of organic quinoa flakes with soymilk and hardboiled egg whites from locally sourced cage free hens. While he was cleaning up, the shock of noticing the “protect our Earth” tattoo encircling his right bicep caused him to drop a dish. Thankfully the dish was made from new growth renewable bamboo.

He was late for work at the environmental advocacy not-for-profit where he was a new digital media consultant on account of his Chevy Volt running out of electricity as he pulled out of the driveway. He waited for the end of All Things Considered before calling a tow truck. This was clearly not the same Maxwell who dreaded having to suck it up and vote for Mitt Romney.

Over dinner at their favorite salad bar, owned and staffed by a local farm cooperative, Nancy proposed.

“What made you change your mind?” he asked.

“I’ve always loved you,” she answered.

“But all those times I asked you to marry me you said you didn’t believe in marriage.”

“That was different.”

“How so?”

“Back then you were a man. Now that you are a Hispanic woman we can finally have the same-sex marriage I’ve always dreamed about.”

“Don’t end sentences with prepositions.”

“How about, now we can get gay married together?”

“Still a preposition.”

“Actually, it’s an adverb.”

“Oh, well in that case, I do.”

The next day Maxwell woke up once more a Republican. In typical Republican fashion he tried to appeal to Nancy on a platform of family values, but she still wanted to break off the marriage. He did get to keep the house; she got the two other houses.

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