All Stocks Up Except the Ones in Tom’s 401(k)

NEW YORK — The Dow is back up above 13000, but Tom’s 401(k) is still in the toilet. The benchmark index added 1% in July to finish up for the ninth month in the last ten. Tom’s portfolio is down 12% year-to-date despite being invested entirely in a total stock market index fund.

Tom’s financial advisor would only speak on condition of anonymity in order to protect the identity of his client. He said, “I do feel sorry for the guy, just not sorry enough to give back my 3% management fee or the $10,000 my lawyer has instructed me to tell you I did not embezzle.” That was all he had time to say before the warden announced that visiting hours were over.

“Situation’s like Tom’s are exactly why we have Social Security,” said Public Finance expert John Hodges, though not with a straight face. Tom’s monthly benefit is the stamp on the envelope it comes in.

When asked how the poor performance of his 401(k) was affecting him, Tom said, “Mmnh mmnh mnh mnnh mnhh.” After remembering to put in his dentures he added, “Family members used to ask me for stock tips because of my Ph.D. in Economics. Now I wash their cars for money and hope for tips from them.”

Tom originally planned to retire at the end of the year three years ago. His wife, Patricia, did retire after successfully betting her SEPIRA on Apple right before the iPad came out. She is now living in Miami Beach with the cabana boy, who knew when to short the euro.

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