AFRICA — Africa has lifted itself out of poverty by cutting taxes on the wealthy. The tax cut passed on Monday, and by Tuesday there were roads and electricity, peace and stability, and Audi A8s for all. Malaria was history and everyone had a college degree.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Africa, “I went to sleep in a hut and woke up in a Hilton.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying all along,” said a rich American job creator, who asked not to be named so everyone wouldn’t beat the shit out of him.
The United States immediately withdrew all of its foreign aid to the continent and used the money to sign Stephen Strasburg to a twoyear extension. It then inexplicably benched him, which was bush league.
Algeria, Egypt, Libya, and Morocco changed their minds and decided to be part of Africa after all. The United States then immediately withdrew its offer to bail out Egypt and used the money to buy back Budweiser from the Belgians, which was also Busch league.
The benefits of the African tax cut have even trickled down to the animals. According to a well-groomed gorilla standing in line outside the Louis Vuitton store, “Hoot! Hoot! Grunt!”
Next door, an African elephant sampled Steinway grand pianos at Haydn Thelion Wonteatyou Musical Emporium. “I do find the ivory keys abhorrent,” it admitted, “but it’s really the timbre that’s to die for.”
When the news first broke, naysayers tried to question its facts. “How could that possibly make any sense? Africa is composed of 54 distinct sovereign states with diverse economies, political systems, populations, languages, histories, and income levels,” said Kofi Keteku, a representative at the African Union.
Supporters of eradicating poverty were forced to drown him out by shouting loudly and speaking in ad hominem hyperbole. “The Constitution! socialist Nazi! Amen!” shouted Normal Deal, a Coffee Party candidate for the November election.
Only the American voters can determine who is right. Unless Africa really is rich now, in which case it can buy the election.