Shaded where Republicans cheated.

AMERICA—Republicans know that only they can fix the economy. So when job gains announced by the Bureau of Labor Statistics a month before the election challenged their claim that the incumbent screwed things up, the real job creators had no choice but to put on their Democrat hats and become job destroyers.

An investigative report by the Washington Bureaucrat found clear evidence that pro-Republican business owners across America manipulated the job numbers by laying off thousands of workers.

The Bureaucrat spoke with an anonymous source within the BLS who confirmed that not only did certain businesses lay off workers, but they even went so far as to lower their share prices and, in some cases, to go out of business altogether.

“They want to make things worse so they can make them better,” said Randall Lunula, director of the left-leaning think tank Call to Action Went Straight to Voicemail.

A forthcoming paper by that institution cites a letter from Republican Senator Anita Sparrow to small businesses in her state in which she threatens to let the Democrats raise taxes on them unless they become unprofitable by November.

Senator Sparrow declined to comment on the letter. Instead she cautioned Americans not to be fooled into thinking they are better off “just because they have jobs and are no longer underwater on their mortgages.”

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney agreed with her. He then asked what she had said.