Ask a Bureaucrat (February 2013)

Dear Bureaucrat,

Thanks to the freeze I haven’t gotten a pay raise or a bonus in four years. What’s my motivation in this scene?

-Federally Frozen

Dear Frozen,

Bureaucrats like us get paid with something called face time, which is basically the privilege of letting someone more important than you sit on your face. If you tilt your head the right way you might even get some brown nosing in there too!

P.S. I think there’s a FaceTime option on the iPhone where you can check your balance, but nobody has a clue how to use it and it doesn’t work if you’re not connected to WiFi.


Dear Bureaucrat,

We’re out of blue pens. What’s the process for ordering new office supplies?

-I would sign this if I had a pen

Dear I Would Sign,

If you ever want to have any hope of seeing your precious pens any time in the next decade then you need to put in some serious face time with your office management specialist. I hear she likes cupcakes and being told her “I heart Jesus” neck lanyard is totally appropriate for the workplace environment.


Dear Bureaucrat,

I’m currently an intern at a federal agency, and I’m really hoping to get a full-time job offer for after I graduate. Any advice?

-Eager Grad Student

Dear Eager,

I wish I could tell you that face time is the answer, I really do. But in this case if you put your head in the face time region they’re bound to tell you to eat shit. My advice is to wait until you’re rich and fifty and try to become a political appointee.


Dear Bureaucrat,

I read that the Defense Department has started laying off temporary workers. If their budget gets cut further will our military be understaffed?

-A Patriot

Dear Patriot,

No need to worry. Just like the other agencies, the Defense Department has an endless supply of very hungry unpaid interns who would gladly eat a nice face time sandwich.

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