Note: Due to sequestration, Ask a Bureaucrat has been furloughed. Please enjoy this guest column by a member of the agency’s janitorial staff.

Dear Janitor,

My desk is getting pretty cluttered with old slide decks from various briefings I’ve attended. What is the proper method for disposing of classified materials?

-Nate in 3312

Dear Nate,

Your office management specialist should have provided you with a burn bag. You may also deposit classified materials for disposal in the marked receptacles located outside stairwells 3 and 5.

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Dear Janitor,

I don’t like to complain, but there’s a pretty funky odor emanating from the communal kitchen. Did you maybe forget to clean out the refrigerator last Friday?

-Geoff in 3308

Dear Geoff,

How many times must I remind you people that the communal kitchen is a communal responsibility? As clearly indicated in black sharpie on the sign on the door, each individual should take care to ensure that his or her food and beverage items are removed from the refrigerator when no longer needed.

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Dear Janitor,

Can you please vacuum my office when you have a chance? I’m in a meeting till 4 but will be around after if you want to stop by.

-Susan in 3355

Dear Susan,

Please fill out a maintenance request using the online form available from your division’s homepage.

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Dear Janitor,

I noticed that you come around and empty everyone’s trash can three times a day even though they are rarely full. Wouldn’t it be more efficient for you to just do it once at the end of the day?

-Alice in 3025

Dear Alice,

So you’re the one who’s been hiding your trash can under your desk when I make my morning rounds. Please return it to the hallway at once as per division policy.