LANGLEY, VA—The Transportation Safety Administration has revised its list of prohibited items to allow missiles to be carried on board Predator drone strikes.
The change, effective April 25, applies only to missiles with 20 pounds of high-explosive anti-tank tandem charges or less, with a limit of two AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-surface missiles per drone.
TSA spokesman Vincent Guacamole said the new rule will not endanger any of the pilots who steer the unmanned drones from CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. “Decades of research have shown that terrorists are highly unlikely to use this kind of technology to carry out attacks,” he said. “That’s our job.”
The new rule brings U.S. unmanned aviation into greater compliance with international standards for gettin’ it done.
“I can’t stress the word ‘international’ enough,” said Guacamole. “The domestic situation is way less certain, which is why I live in a bomb shelter.”
A spokesman for the White House denied rumors that missile guidance will soon be relaxed for drone flights over American soil as well. He explained, “At home we only use drones to spy on you from above, Norman Johnson of 423 Cherry Lane. And that’s nothing compared to what we’re doing to your phone and email.”
Several liberal sissies worried that allowing unmanned aircraft to fly around the world blowing up buildings in residential neighborhoods might increase the risk of injury or even death for targets of drone strikes. In response, the White House said, “Well, duh.”
TSA will continue to prohibit bottled water and chewing gum aboard drones.
Explained Guacamole, “Even though there’s nobody actually on the aircraft, we can’t take the chance that the gum might chew itself and then spit itself out onto the controls. And as for water, well, terrorists drink water. ‘Nuf said.”