Ask a Bureaucrat (April 2013)

Dear Bureaucrat,

I wish to submit a letter of accolade lauding the fine accomplishments of the men, women, and gender neutral persons of the public service. To whom shall I address my correspondence?

-A. Grateful Citizen

Dear Grateful,

What charm! What elegance! Surely a person of such adroit social grace as yourself must already work for our fine government? If not, then I beseech you to make haste with your application. In the meantime, don’t bother writing in. By the time you get rejected by our robotic job search process I suspect you won’t feel like writing that letter after all.


Dear Bureaucrat,

May I have your autograph?

-Another Grateful Citizen

Dear Grateful II,

Sorry, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in the government it’s don’t ever put anything in writing.


Dear Bureaucrat,

It is with a heavy heart that I have been following the news about the sequester and other fiscal woes besetting our fine federal employees. How are you? Is there anything I can do to help?

-Concerned Citizen

Dear Citizen,

What charm! What elegance! Are you sure you don’t work for the government either? As for helping us I’d ask you to vote out your stubborn sonofabitch Senator who has been stonewalling all attempts at compromise, but you already voted him in for another six years back in November.


Dear Bureaucrat,

The rest of the world sure is scary. How do you and your fellow public servants face the dangers of diplomacy and national defense so gallantly?

-Another Concerned Citizen

Dear Concerned II,

There are even more scary things out that there you never even hear about because we nip those threats right in the bud. At least that’s what we have to tell you so you’ll keep supporting a $1.5 trillion defense budget even though we’re up to our receding hairlines in national debt.

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