WASHINGTON—Federal employees are doing the best that they can for America. Every day at work they sit down at their desks and do their darndest to maximize the general welfare for the citizenry whose tax dollars pay their salaries.
“I’m always mindful of the sacred trust placed in me by the taxpayer,” said Nancy Morgan, a budget analyst with the Department of the Interior. “It’s what keeps me from playing Hearts or Spider Solitaire more than four hours a day.”
Her supervisor, Deputy Director Ronaldo Cuccicuccicu, echoed that sentiment. He explained, “Playing power politics or strategizing how to crush the other fiefdoms within the division is a big no-no. When I stonewall a rival’s initiative to limit drilling in Alaska, it’s because that’s what middle class America would want me to do.”
Over at the Internal Revenue Service, the culture of looking out for the average guy is even more ingrained. “Our motto is: audit every deadbeat as if he were your own grandmother,” said Vivian Williams, a senior fraud investigator who has had the deep honor of serving the public for over twenty years now.
“You know, it really is a higher calling. From 9:30 to 4ish, every Monday through Thursday, I’m here and I’m looking out for you.” Williams added that she is even aware of the “great privilege of serving the public” while she is on her two-hour lunch break.
It’s no easy task to show up for work every day knowing three hundred million Americans are counting on you. Which is why federal employees take full advantage of their dozen sick days and four weeks of annual leave.
“It’s important for me to recharge often so I can really focus on what’s best for the country,” said Morgan. “And while I’m out I trust that the five other people who do my exact same job will know not to try and shoot the moon unless they have at least two aces and the queen of spades.”