Government to Start Paying Interns and Then Offering Them Jobs After Graduation

Who says you can’t have it all?

Who says you can’t have it all?

WASHINGTON—The government announced today that it is going to start paying its interns and then offering them full-time jobs when they graduate.

White House spokesman Jay McClellan explained the new policy as an April Fools joke that got out of hand. According to McClellan, “We were sitting around the Oval Office spitballing, and the Secretary of Agriculture was like, ‘Know what’d be hilarious?’, and next thing you know there we were applying our own minimum wage standards to ourselves.”

In his remarks, McClellan made clear to interns that the President will be expecting them to pay their fair share of taxes. “The 1% of your income remaining after you pay rent is fair game,” he said. “And remember to factor in your $70 monthly transit subsidy before you start thinking you might qualify for the Earned Income Tax Credit.”

Formerly unpaid intern Rita Berman, whose internship involves coordinating the intern enrichment program for her fellow State Department interns, cautioned them not to spend their after-tax wealth all in one place. In an email blast to the listserv she wrote, “Just because you can afford a dozen eggs now doesn’t mean you should upsize from your usual six. Instead, try diversifying your diet with things like peanut butter and jelly and ramen.”

Under the new policy, any of the 12,000 interns per semester who successfully complete their ten weeks of service will be able to apply for full-time positions, and one or two of them might actually get one.

To help interns along, the USAjobs keyword scanner will stop throwing out resumes that list “Stata” skills for positions specifically requiring experience with “STATA”.

Current interns will start earning salaries next pay period, at which point they will promptly be furloughed for the sequester.

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