Surveillance footage of the suspect.

THE WORLD—The United States is preparing to file a formal request for the extradition of wanted fugitive Carmen Sandiego.

“The paperwork is all ready to go,” says State Department spokesperson Gina Broderbund, “now we just have to figure out where in the world she is.”

Sandiego stands accused of stealing numerous national icons, including the Grand Canyon, the Golden Gate Bridge, and, following the failure to pass effective gun control legislation, the President’s bully pulpit.

Sandiego was seen buying a ticket to a former British colony given back to China in 1997. The ticket agent reported that she expressed an interest in finding good dim sum.

Authorities there claim she then departed for the site of the 1980 Summer Olympics. She was wearing New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s missing Super Bowl ring and was overheard ordering vodka shots.

From there the trail goes cold. After a piano nearly fell on his head, one impatient investigator didn’t check his clues against the dossier before applying for a warrant for Sandiego’s arrest in an Andean country where you can visit Lake Titicaca.

He found himself having to apologize for grounding their president’s plane in the birthplace of Haydn and Strauss, and then the Chief demoted him back down to gumshoe.