Essay: New Forms of Government

Winston Churchill is credited with saying Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the other ones. That was seventy years ago. You would think, or hope, or at least wish longingly while watching MSNBC, that in the intervening decades we might have come up with something better.

And we have. Such groundbreaking forms of government as I am about to introduce to you may never see the light of a nation-state, but the world will be all the darker for it. Thus it is with innovation.

All I ask is that you study the following conceptual systems of organization and consider whether they are really truly worse than the worst form of government. Then we can vote on it.


In a Dogocracy, officials are elected by people but must be dogs. Candidacy is open to all canines, and diversity of breed and temperament is welcome. Decisions are reached by throwing two tennis balls in opposite directions and counting up how many representatives chase after each. Districting is determined by marking one’s territory. It is anticipated that officials may bark loudly at nothing in particular and pursue policy objectives that turn out to be their own tails. Term length is measured in either people years or dog years, depending on whether the representative has been a good boy. 


Tommunism, despite the name, is not rule by people named Tom, or even people named Tomm. It is rule by people named Chuck. In lieu of elections oriented around economic platforms and foreign policy, candidates earn authority by presenting their birth certificates for inspection before the Supreme Panel of Chucks. Chuck’s birthday is always a national holiday. As such, the number of days the people must work is inversely linked to the number of Chucks in office, thereby encouraging population growth but only of the right sort. The beauty of Tommunism is that any kid can grow up to be Chuck in Chief, provided, of course, that her parents name her well.


Annearchy is like Tommunism except no one ever listens to her. If the people would just let her rule the world she would eliminate all the waste and stupidity and inefficiencies out there, and you assholes would all be sorry. Under Annearchy, the threadbare semblance of a government is adept at identifying issues yet quiet on the question of their resolution. Most policies probably won’t work out, and when they don’t she isn’t going to say she told you so, even though she kind of did.


Under Youtopia, You can really make a difference. You appear on Sunday morning news talk shows and espouse Your ideas before the people. You canvass Your neighborhood and build up grass roots movements supporting Your positions. You have a clear vision for exactly what this country needs and You are ready and willing to take charge and do what it takes to set things right. To truly be effective, Youtopia must be paired with Ewetopia, a companion subform of government ideally encompassing everybody else.


Nothing new, really; what most governments still are.


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