China Demands Apology From Doug

photo of Kung Pao Express

“Kung pao” is a registered trademark of China, which now wishes it enforced such things.

PORTLAND—China is suing restaurateur Doug Smalley for claiming the food at his so-called “Chinese” restaurant is better than you could get in China.

“Mr. Smalley has zero basis whatsoever for his outlandish claim, and his brazen lie has hurt the Chinese people’s feelings,” said Vice Foreign Minister Wen Zhi Ming.

Smalley made the comment last Wednesday after being complimented on his beef with broccoli. Wang Lao Ji, a customer at the next table over, has a cousin who owns an authentically delicious Chinese restaurant in the one China and was thus deeply offended by the comparison.

Wang, 29, demanded that Smalley apologize at once. He refused, arrogantly scoffing, “You can’t be serious.”

She was. After filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau of Alaska, Oregon, and Western Washington and having it rejected in an email that read, “We’ve heard good things about that place. Plus, no MSG,” Wang sued Smalley and the Oregon state government for 16 billion dollars (RMB100 billion), or enough to buy an apology meal for every true Chinese citizen at a genuine Chinese restaurant.

People across China are planning a boycott of KFC in protest of the insult, or would be if the popcorn chicken there wasn’t quite so finger lickin’ good.

Stir frying up further controversy, some ethnic Chinese have continued to patronize Smalley’s restaurant. “The food here is actually pretty decent,” admitted Yi-nuo “Unicorn” Zeng, a regular customer at Kung Pao Xpress and obviously a Japanese spy.

Smalley did not immediately return a phone message left with his delivery boy, Mitch, who took down the reporter’s information and asked, “Will that be for pick up or delivery?”

Mitch, if you’re reading this, I think we got cut off. Delivery, please.

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