Security forces shake it down at the 25th annual policemen’s ball in Tiananmen Square

On June 4, a record number of Chinese law enforcement officials descended on Tiananmen Square for the 25^th annual Beijing Policemen’s Ball. The party was so hot they had to keep fire extinguishers at every point of entry.

Street were closed for blocks in either direction to clear space for the break dance competition. Dozens of police vans and ambulances stood at the ready to handle the expected crush of party crashers at what was undoubtedly China’s most exclusive event.

In a club-like atmosphere, attendees shook their automatic rifles like they meant it, getting down to hits from their student days, including “Smack That (Protestor)” and “Hit Me Baby One More Time”.

The amazing spectacle left the Chinese media speechless. Didn’t say one reporter for the English language China Daily, “What event at Tiananmen Square?”

Foreign correspondents, more accustomed to covering actual news, had plenty to say, but were too busy learning the “pop and lock” dance move from security forces to file their stories.

It was a black hoodie optional occassion, with many choosing to simply go plainclothes so as not to attract attention. Explained one attendee, who must remain anonymous because he threatened to revoke a reporter’s press badge when asked for his name, “We try to keep it hush hush so the common people don’t get mad about the Party.”

Ma Huangdou, who was there to witness the inaugural event in 1989, chose instead to spend a quiet evening in his detention cell. When asked to describe what it was like back in the day, he was overcome with emotion and could only say, “Bloody hell.” After that he got too choked up by the guards to continue and had to be whisked away to rest.

Godzilla politely requests that King Kong hand over the power sash.

SKULL ISLAND—The long-ruling authoritarian Gorilla “King” Kong has been aggressively invited to flee the country in what is shaping up to be a cold-blooded coup. He is rumored to be headed for New York.

Early Tuesday official state media reported that law of the jungle had been declared and former intelligence minister General Godzilla had been appointed interim head of state until elections can be held to make it sound more legitimate.

In his first public address, Godzilla announced that the Animal Kingdom will now be known as the Democratic Republic of Animal. The rest of his speech is not available, as the U.S. only had one translator who spoke Reptile and he got eaten during the opening remarks.

Little is known about Godzilla beyond that he served overseas for some time as ambassador to Tokyo. He is rumored to be a reformer, but then again aren’t they all?

King Kong was a social climber who ruled uninterrupted since riding a popular media wave to power in 1933. He oversaw a period of lasting stability but little economic development.

“What held him back was this irrational fear he had of skyscrapers,” said an unnamed former senior primatologist at the National Zoo, who asked to remain anonymous because the same could be said of Washington, DC.

Whatever Kong’s legacy, it was certainly no beauty that deposed the beast. That Godzilla is a real monster.

A pen. She, of course, used email.

WASHINGTON—It started with coffee and ended with a full-time job offer to be director of operations for the Latin American region. Amanda Walters, 22, of NW Washington, DC, owes it all to a thank you note she wrote to follow up after an informational interview.

Says Walters, “I was talking with this friend at a party about how I hated my job, and he was like, you should totally talk to this other friend, and at first I didn’t really want to because I’m terrible at networking, but then I did, and it turned out he was totally right!”

The actual interview did not go so great. “I tried to pay for his coffee, but he was like, no, you can get me next time,” Walter says. “And then I tried to ask him about his agency but he was like, wow, you have such pretty eyes, why don’t we start by you telling me about yourself?”

After taking up, at his insistence, way more than the twenty minutes of his time she had asked for, Walters realized she forgot to bring business cards. “But he was like, that’s cool, why don’t you just give me your cell and I’ll text you sometime?”

Just to be polite, the next day Walters sent a nice thank you note as instructed by her college career center. To her surprise, the guy responded immediately with a job offer. “He was like, wow, you’re so eloquent and such and such, how about a job?”

Although her start date isn’t until next Monday, they’re meeting up for drinks on Friday night to talk more about the position.

Walters insists, “And I’m paying!”

Surveillance footage of the suspect.

THE WORLD—The United States is preparing to file a formal request for the extradition of wanted fugitive Carmen Sandiego.

“The paperwork is all ready to go,” says State Department spokesperson Gina Broderbund, “now we just have to figure out where in the world she is.”

Sandiego stands accused of stealing numerous national icons, including the Grand Canyon, the Golden Gate Bridge, and, following the failure to pass effective gun control legislation, the President’s bully pulpit.

Sandiego was seen buying a ticket to a former British colony given back to China in 1997. The ticket agent reported that she expressed an interest in finding good dim sum.

Authorities there claim she then departed for the site of the 1980 Summer Olympics. She was wearing New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s missing Super Bowl ring and was overheard ordering vodka shots.

From there the trail goes cold. After a piano nearly fell on his head, one impatient investigator didn’t check his clues against the dossier before applying for a warrant for Sandiego’s arrest in an Andean country where you can visit Lake Titicaca.

He found himself having to apologize for grounding their president’s plane in the birthplace of Haydn and Strauss, and then the Chief demoted him back down to gumshoe.

“So that’s where the water from the sink goes,” said one investigator.

WASHINGTON—Federal investigators have traced the source of a major leak directly to the President’s cabinet. The highly damaging leak originated in the cabinet beneath the White House kitchen sink.

Preliminary evidence suggests a worn out washer may be to blame, though investigators are not yet ruling out more widespread corruption of the pipes.

Whatever the cause, the damage is clear. The wood is completely soaked through, there is discoloration in the grout, and there are unconfirmed reports that the executive chef got his socks wet.

Even worse, the plumber can’t come until Tuesday. Despite the delay, White House spokesperson Ray Barney said emphatically, “At this time the President is not considering paying under the table for a non-union guy who can be here in an hour, even if he does have three and a half stars on Yelp.”

In response to a follow-up question, Barney added, “I can, however, confirm that he will be invoking executive privilege to take over the kitchen at Blair House until the leak is plugged.”

Barney had no comment when asked about a rumor that the First Family ordered in last night. Fox News is reporting that the President is soft on takeout Chinese.

Former Assistant Attorney General Lisa Smelden expects that what will happen next is the White House will subpoena the repair receipts of the previous tenant.

“At least they can try,” she said. “Normally the White House is rented ‘as is’. My guess is the window for asking the former tenant to chip in closed when they returned his national security deposit.”