Revised Figures Show Chinese Economic Growth on Target

STATISTICAL AUTHORITIES – Despite previous, erroneous so-called concern that GDP growth in China for 2014 was allegedly the lowest in the past 20 years, the economy actually achieved record growth at the exact level planned by the leadership under the careful direction of President Xi Jinping.

A thorough revisiting of the GDP calculations conducted by the relevant authorities found that the numbers failed to account for certain critical and essential indisputable facts on the ground, such as the value of the offshore wealth in China’s exclusive economic zone in the South and East China Seas, along with the robust economic performance of Chinese provinces Macau, SAR; Hong Kong, SAR; Taiwan, China; Korea, renegade province; Vietnam, renegade province; and Singapore, 75% Chinese.

Under the new numbers, the one Chinese economy grew at an astonishing maglev-level rate of 97% in 2014, a sharp, albeit peaceful rise in incomes for that developing nation which is still home to hundreds of millions of people living in poverty and thus should not be held to the same standards of not destroying the planet as the so-called developed nations like the United States, which continue to emit greenhouse gases at appalling rates fueled by their inflammable empty consumerist ideologies which pale in comparison to the 5,000 plus years of uninterrupted Chinese civilization.

Upon learning of the corrected figures, residents of all major Chinese industrial centers went outside, removed their unnecessary facemasks, and breathed a deep sigh of relief. They will undoubtedly be further relieved following next week’s anticipated announcement that cancer rates in villages and townships with local chemical plants have been grossly understated, and that those responsible have been swiftly and justly executed in accordance with the rule of law.

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DC Left Out of State of Union

WASHINGTON — For the 225th year in a row, the District of Columbia was not a part of the State of the Union address. The omission left residents speechless.

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Viral Video Gives Millions Pink Eye

THE INTERNET — A viral video infected millions of viewers with conjunctivitis, or pink eye, in under an hour today. Office workers who watched it were sent home with notes for their parents pinned to their pea coats.

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25th Annual Beijing Policemen’s Ball Draws Record Crowd

Beijing security forces shake down at the 25th annual ball

Security forces shake it down at the 25th annual policemen’s ball in Tiananmen Square

On June 4, a record number of Chinese law enforcement officials descended on Tiananmen Square for the 25th annual Beijing Policemen’s Ball. The party was so hot they had to keep fire extinguishers at every point of entry.

Street were closed for blocks in either direction to clear space for the break dance competition. Dozens of police vans and ambulances stood at the ready to handle the expected crush of party crashers at what was undoubtedly China’s most exclusive event.

In a club-like atmosphere, attendees shook their automatic rifles like they meant it, getting down to hits from their student days, including “Smack That (Protestor)” and “Hit Me Baby One More Time”.

The amazing spectacle left the Chinese media speechless. Didn’t say one reporter for the English language China Daily, “What event at Tiananmen Square?”

Foreign correspondents, more accustomed to covering actual news, had plenty to say, but were too busy learning the “pop and lock” dance move from security forces to file their stories.

It was a black hoodie optional occassion, with many choosing to simply go plainclothes so as not to attract attention. Explained one attendee, who must remain anonymous because he threatened to revoke a reporter’s press badge when asked for his name, “We try to keep it hush hush so the common people don’t get mad about the Party.”

Ma Huangdou, who was there to witness the inaugural event in 1989, chose instead to spend a quiet evening in his detention cell. When asked to describe what it was like back in the day, he was overcome with emotion and could only say, “Bloody hell.” After that he got too choked up by the guards to continue and had to be whisked away to rest.

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China Demands Apology From Doug

photo of Kung Pao Express

“Kung pao” is a registered trademark of China, which now wishes it enforced such things.

PORTLAND—China is suing restaurateur Doug Smalley for claiming the food at his so-called “Chinese” restaurant is better than you could get in China.

“Mr. Smalley has zero basis whatsoever for his outlandish claim, and his brazen lie has hurt the Chinese people’s feelings,” said Vice Foreign Minister Wen Zhi Ming.

Smalley made the comment last Wednesday after being complimented on his beef with broccoli. Wang Lao Ji, a customer at the next table over, has a cousin who owns an authentically delicious Chinese restaurant in the one China and was thus deeply offended by the comparison.

Wang, 29, demanded that Smalley apologize at once. He refused, arrogantly scoffing, “You can’t be serious.”

She was. After filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau of Alaska, Oregon, and Western Washington and having it rejected in an email that read, “We’ve heard good things about that place. Plus, no MSG,” Wang sued Smalley and the Oregon state government for 16 billion dollars (RMB100 billion), or enough to buy an apology meal for every true Chinese citizen at a genuine Chinese restaurant.

People across China are planning a boycott of KFC in protest of the insult, or would be if the popcorn chicken there wasn’t quite so finger lickin’ good.

Stir frying up further controversy, some ethnic Chinese have continued to patronize Smalley’s restaurant. “The food here is actually pretty decent,” admitted Yi-nuo “Unicorn” Zeng, a regular customer at Kung Pao Xpress and obviously a Japanese spy.

Smalley did not immediately return a phone message left with his delivery boy, Mitch, who took down the reporter’s information and asked, “Will that be for pick up or delivery?”

Mitch, if you’re reading this, I think we got cut off. Delivery, please.

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Cold-blooded Coup Kicks Out Kong

Godzilla politely requests that King Kong hand over the power sash.

Godzilla politely requests that King Kong hand over the power sash.

SKULL ISLAND—The long-ruling authoritarian Gorilla “King” Kong has been aggressively invited to flee the country in what is shaping up to be a cold-blooded coup. He is rumored to be headed for New York.

Early Tuesday official state media reported that law of the jungle had been declared and former intelligence minister General Godzilla had been appointed interim head of state until elections can be held to make it sound more legitimate.

In his first public address, Godzilla announced that the Animal Kingdom will now be known as the Democratic Republic of Animal. The rest of his speech is not available, as the U.S. only had one translator who spoke Reptile and he got eaten during the opening remarks.

Little is known about Godzilla beyond that he served overseas for some time as ambassador to Tokyo. He is rumored to be a reformer, but then again aren’t they all?

King Kong was a social climber who ruled uninterrupted since riding a popular media wave to power in 1933. He oversaw a period of lasting stability but little economic development.

“What held him back was this irrational fear he had of skyscrapers,” said an unnamed former senior primatologist at the National Zoo, who asked to remain anonymous because the same could be said of Washington, DC.

Whatever Kong’s legacy, it was certainly no beauty that deposed the beast. That Godzilla is a real monster.

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Informational Interview Leads to Job Offer Following Polite Thank You Note

A pen. She, of course, used email.

A pen. She, of course, used email.

WASHINGTON—It started with coffee and ended with a full-time job offer to be director of operations for the Latin American region. Amanda Walters, 22, of NW Washington, DC, owes it all to a thank you note she wrote to follow up after an informational interview.

Says Walters, “I was talking with this friend at a party about how I hated my job, and he was like, you should totally talk to this other friend, and at first I didn’t really want to because I’m terrible at networking, but then I did, and it turned out he was totally right!”

The actual interview did not go so great. “I tried to pay for his coffee, but he was like, no, you can get me next time,” Walter says. “And then I tried to ask him about his agency but he was like, wow, you have such pretty eyes, why don’t we start by you telling me about yourself?”

After taking up, at his insistence, way more than the twenty minutes of his time she had asked for, Walters realized she forgot to bring business cards. “But he was like, that’s cool, why don’t you just give me your cell and I’ll text you sometime?”

Just to be polite, the next day Walters sent a nice thank you note as instructed by her college career center. To her surprise, the guy responded immediately with a job offer. “He was like, wow, you’re so eloquent and such and such, how about a job?”

Although her start date isn’t until next Monday, they’re meeting up for drinks on Friday night to talk more about the position.

Walters insists, “And I’m paying!”

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U.S. Seeks Extradition of Carmen Sandiego

Surveillance footage of the suspect.

Surveillance footage of the suspect.

THE WORLD—The United States is preparing to file a formal request for the extradition of wanted fugitive Carmen Sandiego.

“The paperwork is all ready to go,” says State Department spokesperson Gina Broderbund, “now we just have to figure out where in the world she is.”

Sandiego stands accused of stealing numerous national icons, including the Grand Canyon, the Golden Gate Bridge, and, following the failure to pass effective gun control legislation, the President’s bully pulpit.

Sandiego was seen buying a ticket to a former British colony given back to China in 1997. The ticket agent reported that she expressed an interest in finding good dim sum.

Authorities there claim she then departed for the site of the 1980 Summer Olympics. She was wearing New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s missing Super Bowl ring and was overheard ordering vodka shots.

From there the trail goes cold. After a piano nearly fell on his head, one impatient investigator didn’t check his clues against the dossier before applying for a warrant for Sandiego’s arrest in an Andean country where you can visit Lake Titicaca.

He found himself having to apologize for grounding their president’s plane in the birthplace of Haydn and Strauss, and then the Chief demoted him back down to gumshoe.

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Major Leak Traced Back to Cabinet

“So that’s where the water from the sink goes,” said one investigator.

“So that’s where the water from the sink goes,” said one investigator.

WASHINGTON—Federal investigators have traced the source of a major leak directly to the President’s cabinet. The highly damaging leak originated in the cabinet beneath the White House kitchen sink.

Preliminary evidence suggests a worn out washer may be to blame, though investigators are not yet ruling out more widespread corruption of the pipes.

Whatever the cause, the damage is clear. The wood is completely soaked through, there is discoloration in the grout, and there are unconfirmed reports that the executive chef got his socks wet.

Even worse, the plumber can’t come until Tuesday. Despite the delay, White House spokesperson Ray Barney said emphatically, “At this time the President is not considering paying under the table for a non-union guy who can be here in an hour, even if he does have three and a half stars on Yelp.”

In response to a follow-up question, Barney added, “I can, however, confirm that he will be invoking executive privilege to take over the kitchen at Blair House until the leak is plugged.”

Barney had no comment when asked about a rumor that the First Family ordered in last night. Fox News is reporting that the President is soft on takeout Chinese.

Former Assistant Attorney General Lisa Smelden expects that what will happen next is the White House will subpoena the repair receipts of the previous tenant.

“At least they can try,” she said. “Normally the White House is rented ‘as is’. My guess is the window for asking the former tenant to chip in closed when they returned his national security deposit.”

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Presidential Nominee Passes Senate, Fails Group House Interview

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Administration nominee Jen Wurlie sailed through her Senate confirmation hearing Tuesday but got totally rejected by that group house she applied to in Logan Circle.

The day started off so well. Wurlie’s two hours of questioning on the floor of the Senate were so boring that even C-SPAN fell asleep.

Said Wurlie, “Half of it was just the Senator from Kentucky reading recipes out of a cookbook until the others let him order lunch from that Thai place with the good calamari.”

After her visit to the Hill, Wurlie had to hoof it to Logan Circle to attend the open house for the summer sublet she had seen posted on craigslist.

After the talent show and the swimsuit contest came the interview: “Who’s your favorite Muppet? What’s Massachusetts backwards? What’s nineteen times twelve? Can you juggle these chainsaws?”

Tina, the petulant roommate, was against Wurlie from the beginning. “So we, like, already have a Jen,” she announced.

“Real” Jen said she’d be cool with it so long as they called Wurlie “New Jen”, but Tina still seemed unimpressed, because then she was like, “Okay, well we already have someone in government too, so yeah.”

They then thanked Wurlie for her time and promised to let her know by the end of the week. On the way out she tripped over one of the other candidates, an intern who was busy leaving a thank-you champagne bucket on the doorstep.

Three years later, after Wurlie had stepped down and moved back to LA, she received a form rejection email but could not for the life of her remember what she had applied for.

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